Interview With Oily Pongbottom
Oily Pongbottom is a knobbly, round troll. He is shorter than a grown-up but much fatter than anybody you will have ever seen. He has yellow eyes and green saliva drips from his chapped lips. On his head are two short, stumpy horns set between short, thick brown hair that appears to have been cut with shears. He wears no clothes, just a grubby cloth to hide his smelly bottom. He's slimy, stinky and warty.
Now, for the first time in troll history, Oily Pongbottom has allowed himself to be interviewed by humans.
Or read the transcript and enjoy 'dung puke skidmark' in all its glory:
What is your full name? - Class 5a
Oily Percival Pongbottom.
What is your favourite perfume? - Bookworm
Perfume? I not be using perfume! I be liking my natural smell - sweaty fish.
How do you keep your warts grubby? - Matt Drzymala
They just be grubby naturally because I sleep in a cave and sometimes, when I be plodding through the forest, I fall into troll dung. Then, I roll around because I be liking disgusting things.
What's the most hurlmungously gross thing you've ever done? - David Wailing
Once, when I were little, I picked a boil on Gunkfreak's toe until the puss came out and then I licked it.
What's your favourite colour? - L K Jay
This is my favourite colour. I call it 'dung puke skidmark'.
Dung puke skidmark
Do you ever take a shower? - Francesco Roberto Bell
A shower? I be a troll not a hanging basket.
Do you like bubble baths? - Heather
I like to sit in the shallow waters by the edge of the creek and do bottom burps. They make bubbles - hee hee hee.
Do you have a belly button? If yes, what does it taste like? - Michael Cargill
I do be having a belly button. It be tasting like a mackerel that has been left in a steamroom for an hour.
What is your favourite food? - Class 5a
My favourite food is pizza topped with diced schoolgirl and grated boy.
If you could be human for a day, what's the first thing you would do?
I would eat myself. I would start with me toes and nibble those, then I would start on me legs.
Are you going to eat me? - Charlotte
Yarb please. Can you put yourself in a jiffy bag marked 'FAO Oily Pongbottom'? And bring some ketchup.
Do you know how to read or write? - Class 5a
I recognise some words like 'Bedroom. I see that on doors when I be hunting for children.
Have you ever read a book? - Class 5a
Yarb. 'One-hundred and one ways to barbecue a boy'. It be mostly illustrations.
Do you ever exercise? - Class 5a
What? Of course I exercise. I sneak into bedrooms every night hoping to catch a child. I have to climb over hedges and up walls.
Why do you have earwax up your nose? - Class 5a
Earwax up me nose? Don't be ridiculous. Those be bogies. I only have earwax in me ears and sometimes in me mouth, when I be particularly peckish.
Are you against trolls and humans being friends? - Alena
Ridiculous! A troll being friends with a human be like a human being friends with a fried egg.
What's your favourite pop troll? - Frances and Lucy
My favourite band be One Disgusting. My favourite member of One Disgusting be Hairy Styles who plays bass catarrh. My favourite One Disgusting song is 'What Makes you Stinky'.
Have you ever looked up your nose? - DT
Narb! Is it possible to see up me own nose? I just tried but when I move my head, my nose moves too. I would love to see inside me nostrils.
What season is a troll's favourite? - Lucy
I be liking summer best because all the children be outside playing in the evenings. It be much easier to snatch ingredients for me dinner from a garden than a bed.
How do you decorate your cave?
Decorate? What nonsense is that? Sometimes moss and fungi grow on the walls, if we be lucky.
Do you brush your teeth with slime? - PB
I look after me teeth because otherwise I would not be able to crunch bones. I use special troll tooth paste which be made from rock pool slime and cow pats.
Do you have a car? How do you travel around? Do you like trains? - Class 5a
I usually be travelling on foot. Sometimes, when trolls want to get to big events like the Winter Trollympics, we sneak onto trains or travel on rafts (but we have to be careful not to fall in because we can't swim.)
Have you ever used a toilet? - Class 5a
Yarb. I once used a toilet to wash me feet.
Who would be your dream woman troll?
Me dream woman be Mama Bulbousbum Stenchmistress. She be the fattest bottomed troll in the whole land and she smells revolsome.
Do you have troll dogs?
Narb. Dogs don't taste very nice and they give me terrible wind.
Do you like jelly beans?
Narb, not usually; they be over far too quickly. Sometimes I sprinkle jelly beans on little girl ice cream.
Finally, Ma Super-Troll-Knobbly-Foot has agreed to a guest appearance by popular demand.
Who would your dream troll be?
Well, I love me husband Marv the Magnificent, even though he be a bit reckless sometimes. If I hadn't met Marv, I would want to me with Brawnulator Powerknees. He is a troll Olympian and he be mighty fine. He is on a special diet called the 'scraggykids' diet where he only eats thin children, and so he be having spewmungously big muscles but isn't too flabby.
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