06.05.2013 19:46

10 Most Common Authors' Fantasies

Authors are renowned for making comments like, "Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd get a book deal." This kind of false modesty chafes like a crotchless teddy*. If you didn't imagine you'd get a book deal, then why did you print off one hundred copies of your first chapter and send it to one hundred different publishers?

Whether we admit it or not, we all fantasise about success. Why else would an author spend four years perfecting and self-publishing 100,000 words for average projected sales of 200 and a typical royalty of 26p?

Yes, we do it for the joy of writing, yadder yadder, but any author who claims to have never had these fantasies is lying through his or her tea-stained teeth.

Please note: these fantasies were ordered arbitrarily. For actual rankings, see the related KUF poll.

1. You Walk Past a Bookshop and See Your Book in the Window

I can't get past my local Waterstones without idly fantasising about seeing my book in the window. It's the same with Smiths and they don't even stock my titles.

In the fantasy, I catch my cover in the corner of my eye whilst visiting Tesco for some new value light bulbs and I skid to a halt. In reality, it's more likely that I'd be standing square on to the window, squinting at the display, checking every cover until finally, I saw mine.

2. You Get a Publishing Deal

With self-publishing becoming increasingly accepted and effective, this fantasy is becoming a little outdated. However, you don't become an author, you're born one. So, unless you're five years old, you'll remember the days of aching for a book deal.

Instead of the bog standard mail merged rejection letter, comes an invitation for lunch. Over lunch comes an invitation to consider a publishing deal. You have to run off to the toilets to do a little victory dance. Then, you turn around and see your new publisher right behind you. You both laugh, too excited about the future to care about the fact that your skirt is still tucked into your knickers.

3. The Passenger Next to You on the Train is Reading Your Novel

You're sitting on the Paddington-Penzance reading your Kindle. You clock that the man next to you is reading a paperback - what a dinosaur! Then, you realise that that dinosaur is reading your paperback. Suddenly your entire appreciation of the situation changes. How refreshingly retro that a person would choose paper over technology in this day and age. What a hero!

We've all pre-planned how to react to spotting a stranger reading our novel. Some of us plan to say nothing and quietly enjoy the moment, others know we wouldn't be able to help bombing in there and offering a signature.

My advice is to wait - observe the passenger. Look for subtle changed in facial expression and check for noises. It's rude to ask if he's enjoying it, so just stare at him for ages instead. Then, introduce yourself.

4. Your Book Gets Made Into a Film

It's hard to finish a novel without mentally casting the imaginary film adaptation. You imagine your theatrical friends' faces when you tell them you've got them auditions. Then there are important things to consider like whether you'd sell out to Hollywood or accept a smaller fee so that you could get the all-British cast that you've dreamt up.

5. You Win a Prestigious Book Award

I haven't given much thought to winning a prestigious literary award. But if I did win one, I would wear a long, turquoise, silk dress embroidered with flowers in the style of an Yvonne Coomber painting. I would wear the front of my hair in a tall quiff fixed with a single diamanté hairgrip. For makeup: black eyeliner with vivid green eye shadow and dark red lips. But like I said, I haven't given it much thought.

6. Your Ex Walks Past a Bookshop and Sees Your Book in the Window

Ever had an ex who thought your writing was a 'cute hobby' or a 'deluded fantasy'? Ever had an ex who considered your hard grafting a waste of time that should have spent laundering his sweaty squash kit?

Of course, you don't need him to feel like a prize wazzock, but if he ends up feeling wazzock-faced, it certainly won't harm your quality of life.

In the fantasy, he has his shiny new girlfriend on his arm. He's telling her how glad he is that she's content with being just a lorry driver because he once dated a girl who hilariously thought she was going to be a famous writer.

And then boom! He sees it - twenty copies of your autobiography, "How I published a book despite having no arms and a really naff boyfriend!" with a cover photo of you looking the hottest you've ever looked.

7. You See Your Book Advertised on the Tube

You're on a date and your companion asks, "But why are we travelling to Covent Garden via Cockfosters?" You make up an excuse about line closures. An hour later, you're waiting on an underground platform. Directly ahead, is a poster advertising your latest book.

"Isn't that your book?" asked your date.

"Is it? Oh gosh. Oh, how embarrassing. I totally did not know that that was there."

8. You Sign a Merchandise Agreement

Whether it's mugs sporting your best quotes, miniature action figures of your robot, paraplegic frog superhero, or simply t-shirts that read, 'Keep Calm and Read Rosen's Entire Collection Then Give them All Five Star Reviews on Amazon', you will have given some thought to merchandising.

Other forms of this fantasy include your own customised form of Monopoly, your own line of Cadbury's Chocolates and Lego sets based on your erotic novel.

9. You Resign From Your Day Job

Your boss is a patronising letch who treats you like a pumpkin, your colleagues smell like pasties and your three-hour commute typically includes a lengthy stretch stuck under somebody else's armpit. As you contort your body so that your nose is as far away from the armpit as is practically possible, you mentally draft your letter of resignation.

You tell yourself that one day it will happen - one day, you'll be able to live off royalties alone. Perhaps you'll give your boss a copy of your bestselling novel as a leaving present, complete with a post-it note that reads, "Who's a pumpkin now, huh?"

Or, for the more subtle, simply sign the resignation letter with your ISBN.

10. Your Book Gets Used as a GCSE Text

Who would have thought that an exam board would consider your gritty, science fiction set in a Martian brothel, suitable GCSE text material. Well - you, for a start. Actually, probably just you.

Question 1: Discuss the imagery used to describe the alien whore's panties.

You know, in your heart, that exam boards will never drop Shakespeare and Bronte sisters but that hasn't stopped you drafting a study guide.

* Crotchless teddy refers to the item of women's lingerie also known as a bodysuit, which typically has two under-body straps instead of one, due to the mistaken belief that moving ones underwear to one side is too taxing for the sexually active population. I am not referring to a crotchless teddy bear, although that would probably chafe too.

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